My friend, Tara, was perhaps the most inspiring, creative, beautiful, heroic person that I will ever know. She taught me what it means to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and persevere. Tara battled brain cancer for six years with a steely determination that few of us will ever know.
For being such a petite person, her inner and outer strength was amazing. Even when she had motor skill and balance issues near the end, she could probably do circles around me at the gym. Her husband mentioned to me that she would beg to go to the gym right after chemo. Often, he would oblige her request not because he wanted to, but because she would not take "no" as an answer. He would stand beside her while she was on the eliptical - the one side of her body almost non-functional.
I learned so much about her while she was ill. It is interesting how different situations bring forward characteristics that you didn't know people had. My biggest discovery - what a wonderful sense of humor she had. I mean I knew she was witty, but she was really, really funny. I remember visiting her in NYC a few years after her diagnosis. We were walking down the street and someone commented on her beautiful haircut (it was a wig). This person asked where she got her hair done. She looked the person straight in the eye and told them that a personal friend did her hair. They expressed again how much they admired her hairstyle before walking away. I looked at her wide-eyed as she looked back at me innocently telling me "Well.. Shawna. I didn't want to disappoint her!" I laughed so hard that I had a stomach ache.
Tara was also very giving almost to the point of being selfless. She started a support group for people with the same type of brain cancer. Tara would often mention the group. One day, I noticed that it hadn't been the topic in our conversations for awhile. I asked her why she hadn't mentioned it. She stated that the group wasn't going on anymore. I was stunned that it would have disbanded, so I questioned her about it. She assured me that the only reason it wasn't going on anymore was because everyone else had died. Wow... I learned to listen more and question less after that conversation.
Tara definitely was a nurturer in terms of giving. She kept an eye out for people - those in her immediate circle as well as their loved ones. My little sister (who like Tara called NYC home) was going through a rough patch where she found herself suddenly without an apartment. When Tara found out, she immediately called her and told her - "Well, you will stay with my husband and I of course." My little sister assured her that would not be necessary. Much to my sister's chagrin, Tara would only accept the decline on her offer after there was an agreement to meet up. Tara wanted to see for herself that my sister was alright. While they were visiting, Tara insisted on taking my sister to the grocery store and loading her up with food. She knew my sister was struggling and wanted to make sure she wasn't skimping on meals.
I once asked Tara how she could go on as if everything was alright and normal. Her response was a clear statement to her character: Every moment that I have I want to live to the fullest. I don't want my illness to define who I am. While Tara was battling her illness, I went through a very painful divorce. During this time, Tara sent me one of her favorite quotations in a note: I know its hard to be reconciled not everything is exactly the way it ought to be but please turn around and step into the future leave memories behind and enter the land of hope. - Zbigniew Herbert
With all of these things held in my heart, I struggled with what to do after Tara died. How would I and the rest of Tara's friends give others hope in the wake of such a loss? I brought the idea forward to my twin sister to start a scholarship fund in Tara's memory at UDM. She thought it was a good idea and we received backing from Tara's friends and family. We are in the midst of our first fundraising activity for the Tara Patrice McCartney (nee Ervin) Scholarship Fund. As part of this effort, I am adminstering a campaign on Indiegogo (http://www.indiegogo.com/taramccartney) on behalf of Friends of Tara, what we informally call ourselves. In my head, I picture Tara smiling down on us all. Friends of Tara is building hope - Tara would approve.
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